I THINK I'VE MADE IT.....I am a 25 year-old female who never thought she would make it through school. I remember sitting in the corner of all my classes hoping I was invisible...hiding behind my long, stringy-brown hair, becoming a mere observer to the abstract world in front of me. All I remember saying to myself is, " I don't understand. Why am I stupid, dumb, and ugly?" I had few friends and those that I had never knew of my troubles. I did learn one thing at a very young age... to be the master of hiding... and that one thing has become my best friend in life. There is no way I thought I could learn, when words and numbers were seen reversed and scattered all over the place... I couldn't tell anyone... they might laugh at me or confirm that I really was stupid. I just went through life pretending and hiding from a learning disability that now I know is common in people that suffer childhood trauma.
Not only was school so abstract to me, my home life was chaotic. I never knew who was coming or who was going...every night I would go to sleep fearing who might enter my bedroom. Sometimes I would be able to sleep through the night, but there were many times I would have an unwelcome mid-night visitor. When the abuse was over, I would cry myself back to sleep. Then I would get up and go to that place where I was supposed to be learning, furthering myself and socializing with kids my age.
One time I told a friend,
" I sometimes see words backwards, and this book, Catcher in the Rye, I don't understand. Do you?"
The response I got was horrifying. She answered,
" You mean you are going to read that book. Someone gave me this."
In her hand she held up a thin yellow book, what I now know to be cliff notes. I too got that thin yellow book but I didn't understand that either.
To this day I fear school and at times I feel stupid, ugly and dumb. I no longer have the long brown hair to hide behind, but I can be found lying in my safe bed with the covers over my head on some weekends. But now, I know I am dyslexic and I am no longer afraid to tell people. I know I need help and that it is O.K. to cry and not understand.
I am now a college student with a drive planted so deep within to learn. I want to read words and know their meanings and why they fit into a sentence. I want to see numbers the correct way and not have to use my fingers to add. I refuse to hide anymore or sit in that corner and hope to fade away. I want this for myself and I will take all the steps I need to in order to get it. Having a learning disability is a gift that I am learning how to use.
I can honestly say for the first time in my life that I would never change the past if I had the magic of doing so. Today I am unique, smart and a very strong woman with an amazing support system, a river of love and a fire that burns brighter every day. Believing in myself, listening to my heart and asking for help from a lot of people is what has steered me down this path. Someday, I might be a famous artist or an author of some novel, but today I am a 25 year-old college student who is dyslexic.
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